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Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A guy walks out of a bank.......

I wrote a small play for creative writing and there's no use keeping it locked away on my computer! So why not post it!

[Dimitri, notorious bank robber of Franklin County, NH, walks into yet another bank]

[Dimitri] All right, you know the drill, EVERYBODY ON THE GROUND! And tellers, i’m no idiot. DONT hit that pretty little red button under the desk and I dont want to see anything but money go into those bags! Dont worry, i’m no octopus, i’ll live without it.

[Continuing] Oh, and while we’re here, someone turn up the heat! Here I am, coming inside from a below freezing temperatures, and this here bank is so cheap that it cant even turn the heat above 50!


[Dude] Yes. Ok. Sure. Sorry. I’ll listen. There. Done. Getting back on the floor.

[Now really rambling] That’s more like it! Now. [Pause] You know what? Before I leave here today, you’re all going to learn the etiquette of bank robbery. So here’s some life lessons so the rest of you dimwitts dont end up like this guy, about to be knocked unconscious by yours truly.

Lesson 1: When a bank robber moseys on in, you listen to the guy so you dont get shot! Like, even if the guy’s holding a nerf gun, be scared! Those things hurt, man!

Lesson 2: When a bank robber asks the room a generalized question, the closest person [glares at “Dude”] gets up and does what he says!

[Teller 3 starts making impatient and aggravated sighs]

[Changes tone and becomes hurt] You people need to learn this stuff! Like, here I am, trying to make a living, and you’re all being so rude to me! It really does get to me, man! You dont understand! You think I want to walk into a bank and risk getting arrested?! You dont know the stress I’m under! Why dont you take that into consideration next time you’re in a bank and someone wearing a mask comes in! Put yourself in his slash her shoes and imagi-- [cut off]

[Teller 3] Can we JUST give you your money?! I have a 3:30 appointment at the nail salon and I KIND of want to leave!

[Dimitri] Oh, all right. You’ve heard me lecture for long enough. And here, put the money in this reusable bag. I wouldn’t want to harm the environment - even if these bags are made with the same thing as the rest of em......

[Teller 3 is glad to see that Dimitri cares for the environment, so she grabs as much money as possible.]
[Teller 3] Here you are, no inks, no buttons, whole 9 yards. We get the money back from the Federal Reserve anyway. And hell, they just print some more out. [Sigh]

[Dimitri] DOPE, PCE

[Dimitri walks out of the bank, stops, collapses of a stroke.]

[Some guy in the distance] He died on the way to the hospital and left his cash, which was deemed unsuspicious since it was in a reusable bag, which would help his 8 kids go through college and start their life anew.


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